Jalapeno Cheese Spread is Life

by Pete Bell December 23, 2016

Somewhere beyond the rolling hills you hear the rumble of thunder as a storm approaches the training area. 'If it ain't rainin', we ain't trainin! Hoooooaaaah?!' McNeil yells from his turret. ‘Shut the f up, Donnie!' someone echoes back. You look up at SPC McNeil, his Ranger Beads, and his cheesy little in-regs 'stache and think to yourself 'this jabrone has SMA written all over him'.
Shaking your head in amazement you return your focus to the task at hand, chow. Using your blade, you carefully slice open your MRE and eagerly thrust your hand deep inside. Using nothing more than your sense of touch, your fingers navigate their way around the crackers, past the refried beans, and down to the Holy Grail of all MRE goodness.
Clutching the small tube of squishy processed gold in your hand, your rip your arm out of the bag and thrust your fist to the air like an Ancient Greek presenting his infant son to the Heavens. 'Yaaaaaassssssssss' you bellow proudly as the now-falling rain begins to ricochet off of your raised pouch of Jalapeño Cheese Spread. In the distance a bolt of lightning snaps to the ground, the thunderous boom surely a nod of approval from the Gods. All around you the eyes of the less-fortunate and their sad, sad pouches of plain cheese spread glass over as they seethe with envy, knowing they are not the chosen ones. As you lower your arm and begin to map out your plans for the gourmet feast that will surely follow, the first of many desperate souls approaches, trade offering in hand.
Hamrick from 2nd platoon kneels at your feet, eyes down, and raises his offering: Chocolate Peanut Butter. 'Do push-ups my Son' you reply, flicking your wrist to motion the next man forward. Jones from HQ approaches, kneels, and raises 2 Rip-Its, a Ranger Bar, and $38 in AAFES POGs. 'Time for a 100%...cause you're obviously on the rock, Jones' you reply as he scurries back to the commo truck. Next, Anderson from first approaches, looks you dead in the eyes and says 'I'll su-' 'Silence!' you raise your hand to his face, turning to address the rest of the crowd assembling: 'there will be NO trades for my Jalapeño Cheese Spread, not today, not tomorrow, not ever! For Jalapeño Cheese Spread is not something to be cast aside, sold down the river for promises of finer goods or special favors....no, my friends.....Jalapeño Cheese Spread is Life

Pete Bell
Pete Bell


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